Warning: This is a bit lengthy and somewhat of a ramble...
I'm watching Married to Jonas while researching baby bottles (Oh, did you not get my memo? I'm pregnant! Each time I went to blog about it...I just froze. So yeah, this is me telling the interwebs world that I'm pregnant!!!!), and I totally empathize with Dani. She's in Italy, and she wants to go back home. In her interview she's talking about her anxiety and what it feels like when an anxiety attack hits. She's saying that when it happens she feels alone and just wants to be home. Finally, someone understands.
You know, there's been a lot I haven't blogged about recently. I felt overwhelmed when thinking about announcing my pregnancy here--I mean, there's so much pressure for it to be cute and fun, which is just too much for me right now while I'm feeling first-tri exhaustion. I also had a wonderful vacation with my hubby in VA a couple of days ago. But what I'm ready to blog about is this: how I feel when anxiety strikes.
This woman gets it. While on my amazing little vacation, Scott and I went to the mall near our hotel. It started out super fun browsing. Then, all of a sudden, I felt it start. The anxiety started to close in on me. It changes everything about me. I feel overwhelmed by regular stimuli. My mind gets super cloudy. I close in on myself, and I am alone. Scott's voice is just a little more muffled, things blur together a little bit, and I have a horrible heaviness come over me. All I want is to be home. With my cats. Being home isn't even enough; I have to be in my bedroom. Thankfully, my husband is a doll, brought me back to the hotel, and poured out so much love. It completely brought me out of my attack, which just makes me love him more than ever.
The pregnancy has been tough on me. I want to keep it real, here. I am elated that I'm pregnant. Scott and I are ecstatic about becoming parents. I daydream about this lil nugget all day everyday. That doesn't change how hard being pregnant has been on me. My anxiety is a risk to my baby, I can't take medicine, I have almost every 'bad' symptom, and each day is just struggling. I spend most of my time taking it easy. I'm nauseas most of the day, I get exhausted in an instant, my face is beyond broken out/my hair is oily, and let's just say bathroom goings are a lot different. Although it's not easy, I am still trying to be joyful everyday. I am beyond blessed to be carrying God's child, and I will take every symptom along with it.
I fully appreciate everyone supporting me through this time, especially since it hasn't been the smoothest journey. Maybe this has become a rant, but maybe it will help someone know that they are not alone in the way they feel. If anything, it can give anyone who reads a little understanding of what anxiety is like for me.
As a reward for reading this post, this is what I used to announce our pregnancy to our family: